Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
