why didn't you poke me back
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
