Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
