I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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