shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
