My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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