If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
