first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
