Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
