I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
