the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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