I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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