Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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