I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
