I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
