I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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