Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
