Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
