I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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