Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
