You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
