did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
