when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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