I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
