ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
