True but thats because hes a fetus.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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