I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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