You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
