apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
