There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
party gras won. party gras always wins.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
