he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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