1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Don't make out with my wife yet
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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