I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
