My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
