Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want to fling myself into the sun
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
