I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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