my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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