i love accidental penises.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
