Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
