Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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