dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
