Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
