Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
