Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
