and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
