Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
