Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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