I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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