You're so nebulous sometimes
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
