Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
