I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
